The home search today was interesting. I found myself jumping at each house and just really wanting to find a space to call our own. Finally, in the car, I realised what I was doing-
“James, I’m 6 months pregnant and I have three kids. I feel this massive vulnerability not having a place to settle in and nest, so with each house, I just really want to like it. I really want to have a known place to be.” I teared up. “I need a home for my babies.”
Fortunately and unfortuantely, James was not in this same headspace. He would walk in, spin around, and say, “Nah” and start to leave. I could feel myself starting to sweat.
“What is it that you don’t like about the home? It’s perfect.” I was arranging furniture in my head already.
“It just doesn’t have the right vibe,” he would casually remark.
I took a deep breath and accepted that his feelings are equally as valid as my own, even if they are not specific. I’m actually proud of myself for moving on and also for his clarity about what he wants. I think two years ago, I would have pressed the issue more, and he would have been less opinionated. I like these new people that we are. We respect each other’s selfhood much more these days. We trust each other.
When James walked into the final house we saw today, he didn’t even need to see the upstairs. This time, he opened his arms up wide as if to hug the air, and said, “I’m home.”
This is it.
And so, the offer has been put in, and now we wait. I’ll post some photos when we know one way or the other. The beautiful thing is, I have peace regardless.
We will find a place. I do not need to panic or settle for less.