Laundry, Dishes & Sex: The Chore of Intimacy

I hear mom after mum irritated because she doesn’t feel connected to her husband. He’s not engaged in conversation; he’s not helping out around the house; he’s not playing with the rug rats. He’s just not emotionally available.  When I hear this, I always ask what’s happening in between the sheets. The majority of the time? Not much. 

When you aren’t putting out,  there isn’t another acceptable forum for your husband to get his needs met. You hear me? That frustration leaks out in a variety of ways-sometimes passive aggressively and other times in a slow fade of intimacy. I’ve heard lots of excuses- stress, physical pain, the exhaustion from parenting, and a low libido. But moms, sex could be your antidote to all of these problems, and here’s how-

An orgasm releases oxytocin which decreases stress. So you have too much stuff to do? Add in one more (wink, wink) and scientifically speaking, you should feel better. Go ahead, experiment.  

An orgasm also releases endorphins which naturally decrease pain. So that headache excuse? Theoretically, sex should do the trick. If you are too tired, the refractory period following orgasm helps the mind and body relax.

Moms, we have kids climbing on us all day long, so its hard to have someone else added to the list. I’m breastfeeding as I’m typing this post, and I have two older children who require a ton of energy.  Since little people have to be held, fed, nurtured and chased all day long, isn’t it great to have someone hold you for once? Stop thinking about sex as another task, or that’s what it will become. Start thinking of it as an escape from the craziness, a chance to bond, to be loved, to reconnect. And frankly, if sex is simply another chore, you are doing it wrong.

If you have a low libido, that’s when marriage becomes selfless; participate anyway. In return, he might be more engaged, more affectionate, or practically speaking- involved around the house. Men often feel emotional connection when their physical desires are being met.

Also, consider this- researchers used to state that sexual arousal came before physical touch.  However, data is now suggesting that for many people, physical touch is required for sexual desire. The problem is wives aren’t open to being seduced. They tell their man “not tonight” before anything is initiated.  Instead tell the husband to put the kids to bed so you can take a relaxing bath, talk about what works well for you, and embrace your man. You deserve it.


5 thoughts on “Laundry, Dishes & Sex: The Chore of Intimacy

  1. The opposite problem says:

    What happens when your husband is the one that doesn’t want to sex? This blog post make it seems like it’s all about the woman’s perspective and responsibility to sex. But, what if he isn’t interested?

    Liked by 1 person

    • mommy2mummy says:

      Women definitely do not corner the market on the low libido issue. The person with the low-sex drive controls the sexual relationship. The key to success (men & women) is giving a 3-5 minute trial period. Don’t turn sex down until you’ve given it 3-5 minutes to get turned on– based on the theory that some individuals need sexual touch before they are aroused. It’s all about vulnerability- being open and willing to participate despite initial feeling towards intimacy. See if both of you are willing to try that compromise, then work your magic 😉


  2. sadmatt says:

    Oh how I wish my wife had your take on things. We couldn’t be more opposite on what we need/want sexually or how we connect on an emotional level. And I surely become angry when I’ve gone a long time without sex. Hell, I’m on edge like you can’t imagine right now and I know all it would take is sex to change that. I can’t be much fun to live with when I get like this, that’s for sure.


  3. hotplatekate says:

    I’ve got two these years are behind us. I think though in these times both parties need to communicate how will they together navigate the challenges that young ones bring. The responsibility just can’t be on mom. Giving 3-5 minutes when you have little ones and you are sleep deprived might not be easy.
    I wonder though what happens when a couple is unable to have sex….illness, a difficult pregnancy…does this mean the other partner becomes remote and disconnected?


    • mommy2mummy says:

      I agree with you on communication & that it can’t just be one-sided effort. It sounds like things get better as this stage passes, which is really encouraging. I wonder if this is similar for most couples? On the issue of disability, this came up a few times this week. My occupational therapy background set me up perfectly to talk about this. Stay tuned.


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